News Brief by Kip Hansen — 20 April 2024
Although hidden from the public for years—hidden in plain sight yet invisible to most—a deep and dangerous conspiracy has been operating in America for generations, possibly since its founding.
Only in the last few weeks has this pernicious conspiracy been brought to light by the brave actions of Henderick “Mort” Morton who founded a society at the University of Missouri to expose and combat the conspiring malefactors. Carrying a sign in the University’s “Speakers Circle” declaring “NOT A CULT. I PROMISE” Mort has been recruiting members to society, which he founded and is the president of.
The Maneater, the official student newspaper of the University, quotes Mort saying:
“Call us crazy if you want,” Morton said. “We are serious about what we do. We are dedicated to the cause.”
The first meeting of the Society drew over sixty students, a standing- room-only crowd which had to use a meeting room reserved in the name of another student organization, the Philanthropy Club, while the newly founded Society applies for official recognition.
The “Squirrel Observation Society is investigating the goals and motives of squirrels in an effort to end their “tyranny.”
“During the meeting, Morton presented a slideshow with squirrels edited into historical photos, explaining that squirrels have been responsible for many past tragedies. Barely stifled laughter filled the room as Morton displayed photos of squirrels edited next to dinosaurs or in the background of the “Washington Crossing the Delaware” painting.”
“I really enjoyed the squirrels whenever I first came to campus, but they brought up some good points tonight,” Patton said.
but….
“There’s something up with them.”
“Look around you … Faculty leave, deans retire, students graduate but one thing always stays: a permanent, undying brigade of squirrels always here and forever silently watching.”
“Why are they here? Who leads them? What are their goals? These are all questions we aim to answer in the Squirrel Observation Society.”
You can follow them in their quest for truth and justice on Instagram.
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Author’s Comment:
Brought to you through the efforts of The College Fix and the University of Missouri’s student newspaper, The Maneater.
“The Maneater’s name … signifie[s] a strong and aggressive paper” that serves as the student voice of MU. [ source ]
Personally, I too think there is something up with those danged squirrels!
Yes, this is the best I can do for humor. Hope it made you smile.
Thanks for reading.
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